


Save me

by Blackghost7



Category: NCIS
Genre: First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 10:29:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5287208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackghost7/pseuds/Blackghost7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm hoping you can save me, Gibbs."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Save me

Gibbs sighed as he stared at his Senior Field Agent, Tony's eyes closed and his head leaned back onto the couch, an open book with his finger still clutching to the page he'd been on by now fallen relaxedly onto his belly. Tony had shot someone, killed someone, because of him, for him, yet again. Gibbs couldn't remember how many times Tony had taken a shot to protect Gibbs or the others of his team over the years, he just remembered that every time after, Tony looked… different. A little… more dimmed, the usual light of his personality more subdued. A little… more pained, like a part of his soul was missing, and Tony just couldn't figure out how to get it back.

Gibbs knew exactly how that felt, and his chest constricted with the feeling, his heart ached for the young man who had given so much and gotten so little in return. He had never wanted this for Tony, had never set out to make Tony in his image in that respect, only in the ways of being an investigator. But even in that he had failed, because Tony was different from him even if he was somehow the same, and Tony would never cut the corners or take the short-cuts that Gibbs had taken in his career, especially not when it concerned his team.

Staring down at the disheveled and tired looking younger man, Gibbs sighed again and brushed his hands over his face. Then he settled quietly next to him and gently shook his shoulder.

"Tony?"

The hazel green eyes opened immediately.

"Boss? What do you need?"

Gibbs cursed himself. He'd been so wrong, so wrong about this young man and his needs. So wrong. Would he ever be able to make it right again?

"Anthony, you need to sleep."

"I'm fine, Boss. Fine. I'll go home. Call a cab."

Gibbs' heart constricted in his chest. Always deflecting, always pretending to be alright. Was this his legacy? Was this what he had taught Tony?

"Bed's upstairs. Two days off. Sleep here."

Tony peered at him through lidded eyes.

"Okay, Boss."

Gibbs settled Tony in the guest room, and tried to ignore the guilt he felt at having created him the way he was. But was that really fair? Tony had already been shaped, hadn't he? Tony had already been there, had already been in existence. Maybe Gibbs had sanded a few edges, but Tony had already existed. Somebody had already gotten to Tony before Gibbs got there, had already made Tony into who he was. Willing and able to do anything that needed to be done to keep his people safe. The investigative skills and the determination, maybe Gibbs had honed them, but he hadn't created them. It was why he had hired Tony, why he had wanted him. Gibbs lay in his bed, staring up at his ceiling, his fingers interlaced behind his head.

"Boss?"

Startled but hiding it, Gibbs peered over to his doorway where Tony was standing in just his shorts.

"Mmmhh."

Tony softly padded over to the bed and crawled in under the covers.

"You don't know me, you know."

"Starting to realize that."

"It's not a bad thing, Boss. Maybe it's even a good thing."

"Thought I knew you."

"Maybe it's better if you don't, Gibbs."

Turning onto his side, Gibbs looked at Tony, and brushed his fingers over the younger man's cheek.

"Maybe I want to know."

Tony swallowed harshly, and after long moments of staring at the ceiling, finally turned to Gibbs, looking him straight into his eyes.

"No, you don't. But…"

Tony closed his eyes and sighed.

"Gibbs…?"

Softly brushing his fingers through Tony's chest hair, finally giving in to that desire he'd always felt and always suppressed, Gibbs imperceptibly moved closer and leaned up onto one elbow so he could look Tony in the eye, even in the almost dark.

"Don't need to know what you don't want me to know. I… "

"You need to know this. I'm a liar, Gibbs. Always have been."

Gibbs chuckled.

"Always knew that, Tony. Is part of why I hired you."

"I know, Gibbs… and that's… That's what's…"

"Tony…"

But suddenly, Tony got up and scooted out of the bed. He stood at the door, his muscles and golden skin almost glistening in a sliver of cold moonlight.

"Jethro… I'm sorry…."

And then Tony was gone.

*****

It was two days later when Gibbs finally saw Tony again, alone in the elevator. When Gibbs pushed the emergency switch, he didn't dare look at the younger man because of the way Tony had left two nights ago, afraid he'd done something wrong, gone too far, only glancing up surreptitiously.

"Tony…"

Before Gibbs really knew what was happening, Tony was on him, Tony's lips pressed to his, a deep kiss that curled Gibbs' toes. When Tony at last released him, the younger man was already exiting the elevator before Gibbs could make a move. Gibbs stared after Tony, his voice gruff as always.

"Tony? Are you… playing me?"

Tony froze, his voice soft.

"I'm hoping you can save me, Gibbs."

Tony glanced back imploringly.

"Save me, Jethro?"

Then the elevator doors closed, and Gibbs leaned back against the wall, wishing he had heard that wrong.

*****

The one advantage of them arriving in the bullpen earlier than everyone else was that no one had witnessed their little exchange or the decidedly uneasy look Gibbs just couldn't completely hide when he followed Tony to their desks. Tony pretended not to notice, and grabbed a cold case file to start reading. Gibbs did the same, but couldn't concentrate. His eyes kept flickering over to Tony. The weekend spent in his basement had helped him convince himself that he had just imagined the desperate look in Tony's eyes that Friday evening, but then the kiss and the softly whispered 'save me' had turned his world upside down again. After only a few minutes, Gibbs gave up on his file, and just leaned back in his chair, openly studying Tony, who didn't seem to care. But when the bullpen started filling up and they at last heard the cheerful bickering of McGee and Bishop as they stepped off the elevator, Tony looked up, straight at Gibbs. His voice was still soft, and still imploring.

"Please stop staring at me now, Jethro."

Gibbs held his eyes for a moment, then nodded. When McGee and Bishop wished them good morning, Tony replied cheerfully, and Gibbs grunted, his eyes now glued to the file in front of him. But Gibbs didn't read a word, his mind kept spinning. 

Save me. 

Save Tony from what? And how could he possibly think that Gibbs could save him from anything? Gibbs felt like he had ruined more lives than he had saved. Sure, he'd saved strangers, but those that mattered to him on a personal level? He only hurt them, even if he didn't mean to. 

I'm a liar. 

Of course Tony was a liar. Gibbs hadn't been kidding when he'd said that was part of why he'd hired Tony. Tony lied fluently and in many different languages, with his words, his body, his eyes. He even lied to himself. But Gibbs had always been so certain that Tony had never lied to him.

You don't want to know.

Didn't he? Gibbs had always prided himself in knowing more than most, especially when it came to his people, and most definitely when it came to Tony. And he still thought he did. What did Tony think was so bad that Gibbs wouldn't want to know? Did he think Gibbs wouldn't be able to handle it, whatever it was? Did he think Gibbs would push him away because of this secret he was hiding? Gibbs understood someone having secrets, he'd had quite a few himself. As long as his people didn't hide anything that would affect the job, Gibbs could live with them keeping secrets. He didn't need to know everything. But he admitted to himself that he wanted to know everything when it concerned Tony.

You don't know me.

Even that, Gibbs could admit to. He knew he didn't know Tony, not as well as he wanted to, as he needed to on some level. Gibbs had thought he did at some point, but especially lately he'd been proven wrong. It seemed like these days, Tony knew Gibbs better than Gibbs knew Tony. That Tony knew Gibbs better than Tony knew himself. Or did he? 

What didn't Gibbs know? What did Tony think he didn't want to know? What was Tony lying about? What did Tony want Gibbs to save him from?

And then that kiss.

A fantasy become reality, all too briefly, all too unexpected for him to really enjoy it except in the reliving. He hadn't even had the chance to hold Tony, to draw him into his arms and grasp him tightly against his body. 

"Ehmm… Boss?"

Gibbs actually shook his head to pull his attention together at the query from McGee. Gibbs blinked and looked up at his team. Worried glances from McGee and Bishop, a soft smirk from Tony. 

"Yeah, McGee?"

"Ehmm… Your phone is ringing?"

Blinking again, Gibbs searched for his phone, finally pulling it from his belt and answering.

"Yeah, Gibbs."

He listened for a moment, then clicked the phone shut.

"Gear up, dead petty officer in Rock Creek Park."

As he said the last words, he heard and saw his three agents mouthing them with him. Yeah, no surprise there. Why did petty officers keep going into Rock Creek Park? You'd think someone would issue a memo informing petty officers that it wasn't safe for them there. Gibbs sighed, and then he laughed out loud at the absurdity of it. When he saw his team staring at him incredulously, he reigned in his laughter and cleared his throat.

"Let's go, people."

*****

What had seemed like an open and shut case at first turned into two and a half weeks of chasing people through five states, and they were all exhausted by the end of it. Bodies kept turning up, evidence piled up to epic proportions, and through it all, Gibbs stared at Tony. Even Ducky, Palmer and Abby noticed it the few times Gibbs and Tony came by together for results. Gibbs just couldn't concentrate, couldn't keep his entire focus on them as they spewed forth their findings, and they looked at him questioningly when the expected reply didn't come and they found him staring at Tony when they looked at him for confirmation. McGee and Bishop noticed the same, but all knew better than to comment on it. Tony always deflected, saying Gibbs just needed another coffee.

The case finally put to bed, Vance sent them home for a four day rest, and Gibbs gladly buried himself in his basement, not at all surprised but still a little apprehensive when he heard Tony's footsteps coming into his house and down the stairs an hour later. 

Tony quietly poured himself a bourbon, picked up a sander, and stood next to Gibbs for an hour or two, gently sanding the same part of the new boat with practiced ease. Bourbon flowed freely in lieu of words, and when the bottle was empty, Tony halted Gibbs' hand and removed the sander from it, putting it and his own on the workbench.

"Come on, Jethro. Let's get some sleep."

Gibbs let Tony lead him to his own bedroom, and Tony laughed when Gibbs just dropped down onto the duvet and closed his eyes. Tugging at Gibbs' arms to get him to sit up again, Tony chided him gently.

"Oh no, you don't, Boss. Come on. Bathroom. Change your clothes."

Gibbs groaned, but let Tony get him up a little.

"I just wanna collapse for a couple of days."

Tony chuckled.

"I know, Boss. Me too. So we'd best get comfortable."

Grunting, but acknowledging Tony's point, Gibbs got up and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower and brush his teeth. When he returned to the bedroom, Tony had changed into sleeping shorts and a well-worn shirt, and Gibbs let his eyes linger on the younger man's body for a few moments before looking away. When Tony went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, Gibbs quickly changed into sweats and a shirt, and crawled under the covers. He didn't normally sleep in his bed, but after weeks like these… He was already half asleep when Tony came out of the bathroom, and peered through an almost closed eyelid at the younger man. Tony seemed to hesitate, then took a few steps towards the bedroom door.

"Goodnight, Jethro."

"Tony…?"

"Yeah, Gibbs?"

Gibbs held up the duvet.

"Come here."

After another hesitation, Tony came back to the bed.

"You sure?"

Gibbs hummed, and Tony crawled in, positioning himself on his back and staring up at the ceiling. After a long moment, his soft voice sounded loud in the quiet of the house.

"Boss?"

Gibbs forced himself to stay awake just a little longer.

"You said I don't know you. Maybe that's true. Said I don't wanna know. That's not true. Said you lied. I know that, but I've never caught you lying to me yet. You want me to save you? Then let me in, Anthony, and I'll try my damnedest."

Gibbs heard Tony's breath hitch for a moment, and when he spoke again, Tony's voice was tight with emotion.

"I'll try, Jethro."

Giving up all pretense, Gibbs moved to the middle of the bed and drew Tony to him, turning him onto his side so Gibbs could spoon up against his back, his arm thrown almost carelessly over Tony's waist.

"Sleep now, Tony. You talk to me later."

Gibbs both heard and felt Tony swallow harshly.

"I'll try, Jethro."

Pressing his face closer into the back of Tony's neck, Gibbs snuffled contentedly. Seconds later, they were both asleep.

*****

Tony had felt Gibbs get up somewhere in the middle of the night, had heard the flushing in the bathroom, and hid a sigh of relief when he felt Gibbs crawl into the bed behind him again and tug him close. When it was his turn to gently extract himself from Gibbs' grip to go to the bathroom, he scooted back under the covers easily, and looked at the sleeping man. He whispered softy.

"Oh, Jethro. Can I do this? Can you do this? Can I tell you? Can I… after all these years… can I let you in completely? Can you help me? Can you save me? Save me from myself? Please?"

Tony brushed a soft kiss against Gibbs' lips, and then gently turned so Gibbs could hold him again. He didn't notice Gibbs blinking, nor the questioning look Gibbs threw at the back of Tony's head.

*****

When they finally woke again, breakfast time was over, so they went for brunch at the diner. Elaine smiled when she saw the two of them enter. Jethro was always pleasant with her, but when that young man was with him, he was more mellow than she'd ever seen him with anyone. 

"My boys! I got your table right there!"

She followed them to Gibbs' usual booth with her coffee pot, and chuckled when Gibbs scowled amusedly as he watched Tony fix his coffee with sugar and cream. Hearing the chuckle, Gibbs looked up at her and smiled ruefully, then turned back to Tony.

"That's an affront to Elaine's coffee, Tony."

When Tony looked at her guiltily, she let out a full belly laugh, and brushed her free hand through his hair.

"No, it isn't, Son. This is Jethro's brew I keep special for him, and I completely understand you need something to soften it."

Then she looked into Tony's eyes and brushed his hair again.

"'Cause you're a sweet boy. And Jethro needs something sweet in his life."

Both men stared after her with open mouths when she turned and walked back to her counter.

"I'll bring you your food in a moment, boys!"

Tony looked at Gibbs, a little surprised.

"I didn't order, Boss…?"

Gibbs smiled.

"Don't need to. Elaine always knows what you need."

Thinking back to her earlier comment, Tony smiled.

"I guess she does."

*****

The soft rasp of two sanders was finally drowned out by Gibbs' voice.

"So what'd you lie about to me?"

Gibbs figured that was as safe a place to start as any, but Tony froze, then swallowed.

"Nothing, Boss."

When Gibbs' sander stopped moving as well, Tony looked over at him.

"Not… intentionally. Not a lie. Maybe I didn't tell you everything…?"

Gibbs let it go.

*****

That evening they settled into bed together again, a little easier now with practice. 

"Still tired, Tony?"

Gibbs wrapped his arm around Tony's waist, hoping the question distracted him enough not to notice the move. Tony smiled anyway.

"Dead tired, Gibbs."

Gibbs pressed his nose into the soft hairs at Tony's nape.

"Then sleep, Tony."

Through a yawn, Tony replied.

"I'll try, Boss."

That time, Tony couldn't remember either of them getting up in the middle of the night, and smiled all the way when Gibbs took him to the diner again the next morning.

*****

"Made it to breakfast this time, huh, boys?"

"Morning, Elaine."

"Morning, darlings. Your booth is ready."

Tony grinned when Elaine pulled extra sugar and cream packets from her apron pocket and laid them out in front of Tony as she poured their coffees. 

"Thank you, Elaine."

Tony smiled his best smile, and it turned a little wistful when she brushed through his hair again. No one had ever touched him like that, not since his mother. Gibbs saw it, and filed it away. When she returned with their breakfasts and refilled their cups, she looked at Tony seriously.

"You giving that man something sweet yet, darling boy?"

Gibbs cleared his throat in embarrassment, but Tony laughed, then looked at Gibbs as he answered.

"Don't know if he wants it yet, Elaine."

"Oh, he wants it! He's just never known what's good for him. That's why I don't let him order, just give him what he needs."

Tony nodded at her.

"Thank you for taking care of him. And I'm trying, Elaine."

She stroked his head again.

"I know, sweet boy, I know."

She grinned.

"I'll be right back with your food, boys!"

*****

"What do you think I don't wanna know about you?"

Tony's sander paused at the question. Gibbs thought he wouldn't get an answer, just like the day before, but Tony surprised him.

"The truth."

"What truth is that?"

"The truth about me."

Gibbs stayed silent for a long while.

"There isn't anything you could tell me about you that would make me not like you, Tony."

Staring at Gibbs for a moment to weigh his words, Tony finally nodded, then returned to sanding.

*****

That night, Tony didn't wear a shirt to bed, and Gibbs reveled in the feel of smooth skin and coarse hair against the callouses of his hands as he ran his fingers over the offered expanse. 

"Tony?"

"Let's just sleep now, Jethro."

"Okay."

And Gibbs pulled Tony a little tighter to him, burying his nose into Tony's hair, and kissing the back of his neck softly. When Tony woke up, Gibbs' shirt was gone too, and the hair on Gibbs' chest was rasping tenderly against his back with every breath the older man took. Tony smiled.

*****

"Morning, boys!"

"Good morning, Elaine!"

She followed them to their table and poured the coffees, then looked at Tony questioningly. 

"Any progress?"

Tony smiled softly.

"Some."

"Keep at it, Son. I told you, he don't always know what's good for him."

Tony nodded, avoiding Gibbs' eyes.

"Yeah. I finally got that."

The pointed look Elaine gave him actuality made Gibbs shift in his seat a little. Tony hid his smile.

"Food coming up in a moment, boys!"

*****

Gibbs cursed as his knuckles scraped over the rough wood for the fourth time that afternoon, leaving bloody trails, and tossed the sander aside. He stalked over to the workbench and poured two jars of bourbon, handing one to Tony. The younger man took it, and put down his own sander, both of them leaning against the skeleton of the boat as they sipped their drinks.

"I can't save anyone, Tony. Can't even save myself. Don't put that faith in me. What do you need me to save you from anyway?"

Tony sank down to the floor, his back leaning against the boat. He only looked at his bourbon, refusing to look anywhere else, especially at Gibbs. When he finally answered, his voice was soft.

"Me. Save me from me. I'm losing it, Gibbs. The job, my life, my soul. I don't know why I do it anymore. Except for you. Anything for you. Everything for you. So much death, so much killing. I don't want to be that man. But I keep losing bits of myself, and I can't get them back. Too many bad things, too much pain. I lied. That's what I lied to you about. I thought I could do it, told myself I could, for you. Could be that man. But… I wanted to help. I wanted to make people feel better, not kill them. I wanted… I thought… I took that shot, because I knew it was right, because I knew it was for you. I… I keep losing parts of myself, Jethro, and I don't know where they go! That's what I don't want you to know. That I can't do it anymore. I can't keep giving away pieces of myself without getting anything in return. Without knowing that what I did was good, that it mattered in a good way, that I saved someone, saved you. I need… Jethro, I need… I need to know that you're still here because of what I did. I can handle it, I can do it, if you just… just…"

Finally, Tony looked into Gibbs' eyes, piercing now that they were so close to his as Gibbs had sat down as well, staring intently at Tony.

"Just… tell me that I matter to you."

And for the second time in his life, Gibbs felt his heart break. But this time, it wasn't an irrevocable loss. The younger man was still in front of him, still alive, and Gibbs couldn't do anything other than take him into his arms, breathe in his scent, bury his nose into his neck. His voice was gruff with emotion.

"You matter, Anthony. You matter more than you know. More than I knew. I need you. I need you so much."

At last, Tony closed his arms around Gibbs in return and let the warmth of his embrace soak into the lost pieces of his soul. 

"You need me?"

"Always. Tony, you're mine. Mine to protect, mine to care for, mine… every way."

Tony pulled back a little so he could stare into those normally cold, blue eyes.

"Yeah?"

Gibbs smiled the softest smile Tony had ever seen on that face.

"Yeah. Mine"

"I want to be."

"You are, Tony. You always have been."

Tony didn't hesitate to close the minor distance between them, pressing their lips together. This time, other than in the elevator weeks ago, Gibbs had the presence of mind to pull Tony closer to him, to feel Tony's body against his. He languished in it for long moments, and his eyes twinkled at the disappointment in Tony's eyes when Gibbs pulled back. 

"I'm an old man, Tony."

Tony snorted, and Gibbs grinned back.

"Cold basement floors aren't really my thing anymore. I'd much rather have a soft, warm bed, with a hard, warm lover…"

Tony's head fell back and he closed his eyes as he laughed in complete mirth, wincing a little when his head hit the boat harder than he'd intended.

"Ouch!"

Gibbs smiled again.

"Want me to kiss it and make it better, Tony?"

Tony blinked at him.

"Yeah… yeah, I do."

"Then come with me."

*****

"Goooood morning, Elaine!!"

She startled at the cheerful voice that was normally gruff if pleasant, and turned to see Gibbs pulling Tony into the diner behind him, their fingers interlaced and matching smiles on their faces.

"Our booth ready, sweetheart?"

"You know it is, Tony! Follow me!"

She grabbed her - Jethro's - coffee pot and led them to the usual booth, where they settled and stared at each other as she poured their coffee. She smirked.

"So… I see things have worked out?"

Gibbs pulled Tony's fingers to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss to them. Tony glanced up at Elaine and smiled a soft smile.

"Yeah… And thank you, Elaine."

She snorted.

"What are you thanking me for, sweet boy? I didn't do nothing! I just serve food. And don't bother ordering. Because I know just what you both need. Coming right up!"

She turned her head over her shoulder and looked at them cheekily as she walked away.

"Again, I'd say…"

Both Gibbs and Tony just grinned happy smiles at her at the bad pun, and all was right in her world.


End file.
